Tuesday, February 4, 2014


It was a wonderful night.  He seemed like such an amazing man.  Of course, I was going into it with eyes open, so I was able to spot his flaws.  Knowing he wasn't perfect somehow made him seem more perfect.

As the evening progressed, I found myself falling for the qualities he possessed - charm, charisma, intelligence, openness, and a sheer lack of superficiality.  We met for coffee, agreeing that if we clicked, it could turn into something more.  When the to-go cups were empty, we both agreed that we didn't want to say goodnight just yet.  There wasn't a whole lot to do in the area where we were, so we walked a bit, talking companionably the entire time.  There was innocent touching (holding hands, etc.) which made the cold night seem warmer.  Finally, we ended up back in his car where we talked for hours, laughing and sharing.  It was the best first date I'd had in a year and a half.

He spoke of the future - a future together.  He told me that he moved quickly and that he only dates one woman at a time, implying that it would be me, at least until something went wrong (I can't remember his exact words).  He kissed me.  Passionately.  He told me that he had gotten a hotel room nearby (he lives far away) and invited me to go back to it with him.  I was so tempted - I was attracted to him on so many levels.  It was hard for me to say no, but being raised the way I was, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone on the first date.

I sent him an e-mail that night to which he responded positively.  Through the next day, I sent a total of two more e-mails.

I received no response.  At all.  I waited.  I didn't want to be that girl and send any other messages.  Why isn't he responding?  The site we're on clearly says that he read both messages.  All day, I thought of him, wondering what could be happening.  What did I do wrong?  Trying to figure it out, I started dissecting things.  Maybe it was when I said that one thing.  Maybe it was that I didn't take his cues correctly.  Maybe I misunderstood him when he spoke of the future.  Maybe it was because I hadn't put out.  All day, I couldn't get it off my mind.

Finally, I thought, "Screw it!"  Obviously, he's just not that into me.  Okay.  Cool.  So, detached, I e-mailed him, telling him that I just wanted to know what I had done wrong.  Not so I could fix it with him, but so that I could decide if it was something I needed to fix about me for the future.

He responded, saying that he doesn't go on that site unless he's expecting communication.

Ah!  So that's what I did wrong!  I believed him.  He's a liar.  Which makes me wonder if anything he said to me was true.  All of that crap he said was just to get me to go back to his room with him.

Which, unfortunately has irrevocably changed me.  I can feel the alteration within me and I don't know that I will ever go back to how I was before.  I already had a protective layer around my heart - abuse has been a part of every single romantic relationship I've ever had.  I've learned to stay wary around men so they don't have the power to hurt me.  Now, I can feel how hard my heart has become.  Over the period of one weekend, a thick layer of ice has encased my heart so it will never be hurt again.

I'll still date, but I'll do it for a completely different reason.  I'll allow men to think I believe their bullshit, I'll let them bed me and think they had won some game, and then I'll walk away, having gotten from them the only think I could possibly want from a man.  No harm, no foul.  We both get exactly what we want.

I've thought about blocking him from contacting me, but then I thought better of it.  If he does happen to get in touch, I'll pretend as if nothing is wrong, let him have his way with him, and then walk away, my heart still whole and protected.  I know from experience that I am quite adept at separating sex from emotions, so it will be a breeze with him.

I have done very well as a single woman for 10 years and I only see it being easier from here on out.  At least I can thank him for that.

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