Twisted

Despite the fact that it was a first date, I found myself amazingly calm.  Maybe I've had enough first dates that they are no longer terrifying for me.  Maybe I've had enough first dates that have lead nowhere that I no longer feel any pressure on a first date.  Maybe there was something about him which calmed me.  Whatever it was, it was nice.

We stood by the lake's edge, allowing the dogs to play and wrestle, in and out of the water.  They chased the water fowl, growled, ran after and nipped at one another, sometimes almost taking me down in their battles.  It was fun to watch them interact with each other.  I did find myself stepping back so I wouldn't get sprayed with frigid droplets when they emerged from the lake, shaking themselves free of the majority of water from their coats.

Talking with him was easy.  He talked a little too much, which seemed to be more from nerves than from anything else.  We talked so long, a park employee hunted us down to let us know we needed to exit the park so he could lock the gate.  We quickly agreed that we weren't ready to call an end to our date, so we agreed to meet at the nearby dog park.

Upon arriving, he clipped the leashes back onto all of the dogs, giving me the handle end of Chloe's leash.  Together, we dodged puddles and sodden ground from all of the recent rains.  Luckily, I had worn heavy boots and two pairs of socks, so my feet were still dry, despite stepping on ground which felt more like a giant soaked sponge than dirt.  The uneven ground was difficult to navigate, but we made our way, the dogs dragging us along as fast as we would let them.

Nodding at other dog owners as we trudged along, we continued chatting, enjoying each other's company.  Finally, we made our way up a hill where the ground wasn't as saturated, which made the walking easier.  Allowing the dogs to pull us a little faster, it happened.  I felt my foot step in an unseen hole, my ankle strong enough to balance me.  I heard a pop and found myself quickly falling toward the wet earth beneath me.  I tried to find a way to catch myself, but was on all fours before I was able to do anything about it.  Somehow, I had managed to keep enough of my mental faculties to still hold on to the leash.

Like a gentleman, he offered his hand out to help me up.  Remembering it was our first date and that I night not want physical contact quite yet, he withdrew it slightly.  I held my hand out to him to allow him to help me up.  I stood for a moment, terrified to put any weight on it.  When I finally did, I found that it was sore, but I was able to support myself on it.  Sadly, my clumsiness put an end to our date.  We headed back to our cars to say goodnight.

To my surprise, that didn't seem to turn him off.  We chatted into the evening, which was nice.  As I sat with my foot elevated and my ankle iced, we got to know each other via electronic chat.

At bedtime, I hobbled back to my room and quickly fell asleep.  I woke in the middle of the night and found that my ankle was much, much worse.  As I tentatively stepped on it, the pain seared through my ankle and foot, letting me know that I wouldn't be able to make it to the bathroom on my own.  Using any nearby furniture and the walls, I very slowly, very painfully worked my way to the bathroom.  I was relieved that my son was with his father because each step made me cry out in pain and/or curse.  On my way back to bed, I took a couple of Advil and was able to go back to sleep.

Thank heavens, it's much better today.  It still looks like I shoved an orange into my ankle, and walking hurts, but the wrap I found in the health and beauty cupboard is helping, as is the 2nd dose of Advil.  I hope my boss can magically pull a cane or crutches out of the depths of her garage for me to borrow.

I just feel like I can't do anything now.  Can't go shopping, can't go to my writer's group, can't go for a hike this weekend.  :(  I feel like, other than going to work, I'm house ridden and I really don't like that feeling.

Hardened

It was a wonderful night.  He seemed like such an amazing man.  Of course, I was going into it with eyes open, so I was able to spot his flaws.  Knowing he wasn't perfect somehow made him seem more perfect.

As the evening progressed, I found myself falling for the qualities he possessed - charm, charisma, intelligence, openness, and a sheer lack of superficiality.  We met for coffee, agreeing that if we clicked, it could turn into something more.  When the to-go cups were empty, we both agreed that we didn't want to say goodnight just yet.  There wasn't a whole lot to do in the area where we were, so we walked a bit, talking companionably the entire time.  There was innocent touching (holding hands, etc.) which made the cold night seem warmer.  Finally, we ended up back in his car where we talked for hours, laughing and sharing.  It was the best first date I'd had in a year and a half.

He spoke of the future - a future together.  He told me that he moved quickly and that he only dates one woman at a time, implying that it would be me, at least until something went wrong (I can't remember his exact words).  He kissed me.  Passionately.  He told me that he had gotten a hotel room nearby (he lives far away) and invited me to go back to it with him.  I was so tempted - I was attracted to him on so many levels.  It was hard for me to say no, but being raised the way I was, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone on the first date.

I sent him an e-mail that night to which he responded positively.  Through the next day, I sent a total of two more e-mails.

I received no response.  At all.  I waited.  I didn't want to be that girl and send any other messages.  Why isn't he responding?  The site we're on clearly says that he read both messages.  All day, I thought of him, wondering what could be happening.  What did I do wrong?  Trying to figure it out, I started dissecting things.  Maybe it was when I said that one thing.  Maybe it was that I didn't take his cues correctly.  Maybe I misunderstood him when he spoke of the future.  Maybe it was because I hadn't put out.  All day, I couldn't get it off my mind.

Finally, I thought, "Screw it!"  Obviously, he's just not that into me.  Okay.  Cool.  So, detached, I e-mailed him, telling him that I just wanted to know what I had done wrong.  Not so I could fix it with him, but so that I could decide if it was something I needed to fix about me for the future.

He responded, saying that he doesn't go on that site unless he's expecting communication.

Ah!  So that's what I did wrong!  I believed him.  He's a liar.  Which makes me wonder if anything he said to me was true.  All of that crap he said was just to get me to go back to his room with him.

Which, unfortunately has irrevocably changed me.  I can feel the alteration within me and I don't know that I will ever go back to how I was before.  I already had a protective layer around my heart - abuse has been a part of every single romantic relationship I've ever had.  I've learned to stay wary around men so they don't have the power to hurt me.  Now, I can feel how hard my heart has become.  Over the period of one weekend, a thick layer of ice has encased my heart so it will never be hurt again.

I'll still date, but I'll do it for a completely different reason.  I'll allow men to think I believe their bullshit, I'll let them bed me and think they had won some game, and then I'll walk away, having gotten from them the only think I could possibly want from a man.  No harm, no foul.  We both get exactly what we want.

I've thought about blocking him from contacting me, but then I thought better of it.  If he does happen to get in touch, I'll pretend as if nothing is wrong, let him have his way with him, and then walk away, my heart still whole and protected.  I know from experience that I am quite adept at separating sex from emotions, so it will be a breeze with him.

I have done very well as a single woman for 10 years and I only see it being easier from here on out.  At least I can thank him for that.

Lovely Evening

As I walked down the sidewalk, I wondered to myself, "I sure hope she's real."  We had been chatting online for a few days, and a large part of me assumed she was a scammer.  I've had my share of them.  I really didn't want her to be one of them.

She was a little confusing.  She didn't come up on a Google image search, as most scammers did, but she claimed to have two cars (what normal single woman has two cars?)  She wasn't online all day as most scammers are, but she said all the right things, as all scammers do.  Was she real?  Wasn't she?  I kept the online dating website up on my laptop right up until the last moment just in case she had an emergency meeting she had to go to (a typical way for a scammer to cancel a date).

Walking toward the coffee shop where we were scheduled to meet, I doubted she's actually be there.  I turned a corner and saw a figure.  From the distance and in the dark, I wasn't sure it was her, but I kind of thought it was.  As I neared, I saw her big, lovely smile and knew it was her.  We both admitted that neither of us knew if the other one was going to show up and laughed at ourselves.

In her pictures, she looked pretty and happy, but you never know, you know?  She also said that she was BBW (which means different things to everybody).  Her pictures were basically only from the chest up, so I had no idea how big she really was.  I was pleasantly surprised that she was not BBW - at least in my opinion.  She has a lot of masculine qualities, but she doesn't look like a hard core butch, which I also appreciated.

Ever the gentleman, she opened the door for me and paid (gotta love it- my last boyfriend never did that).  We sat at the little table talking about everything and nothing.  I was (hopefully not too noticeably) nervous, but she seemed completely at ease, which was nice.  Before I knew it, we had been talking for an hour and a half.  You know something good is happening when time passes without you realizing it.  I've been on dates where time almost seemed to stop as I desperately tried to come up with an excuse to leave.

She seemed genuinely interested in me, asking all sorts of questions.  We seemed compatible on most things.  She said a lot of things which made me admire her, and she made it sound like she thought I am out of her league (let's not tell her that I'm not, 'kay?)

Afraid the coffee shop wanted to close, we decided to leave.  We crossed the street of the outdoor mall so I could pick up a gift for my son.  She appreciated that I shop like a man - go in with a plan, get it, get out.  Granted, I don't always shop like that, but for the most part I do.

And then... what happens?  Do we call it a night?  Do we try to extend it?  We both start work early in the morning, so the responsible side of each of us wanted to call it a night.  The parts of us that were connecting didn't want to say goodnight so soon.

So, we stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes chitchatting a bit longer.  The cold, dark evening was lit up by the trees lining each side of the road which were decorated with strands of white lights.  The night was clear, so the stars were visible overhead.  It felt kinda magical.

But it was stinking cold!  She didn't want to wear her camo coat because she knows I'm femme and didn't want to overwhelm me, so she was cold.  Finally, we decided it was time to end our date.  Was she going to hug me?  I started slowly walking away when she said, "See I respected your bubble."  Online, we had talked about the large personal bubble I have.  I laughed, returned to her, and gave her a hug.  I think she wanted to, but was afraid to scare me off. 

Aww!  How sweet!

When I got home, I sent her an e-mail, telling her that I had a nice time and hoped she did too.  I also said that I'd love to see her again.  And then the nail biting began.  Did she enjoy herself as much as I did?  Would I get to see her again?

I got a text a short while later.  She had a WONDERFUL time and she wanted to schedule another rendezvous with me. 

YAY!!!!!